We all “have” relationships, we are “in” relationships, we “come into” relationships and we “leave” relationships. They break down, build, and fluctuate in states of change. Our relating can be with one another, or in groups such as families.
The following are 5 states of being that relationships can go through and exist in. Some at the same time. You may be opening co-operatively in raising your children, but competitive when it comes to financial decisions. In the workplace, you may be co-existing with another workmate,never sharing mealbreaks or discussing each others social life, but you come together collaboratively to sign a Enterprise Bargaining Agreement for a wage increase. Here is a brief overview of these states:
Competitive (combative) – we are trying to beat each other. Sometimes it’s by humiliation, manipulation, and game-playing. One partner may be controlling the other by trying to exert superiority, expertise, or over the other/s. There is very little agreement, points of view don’t intersect and values and goals are not shared. You don’t consider and treat others as equals, they are someone to be defeated.
Co-existing – we live together, but don’t really interact with each other. We are connected by an external force, marriage commitment, family responsibilities, workplace or neighbours. Two or more persons that circle each other but never really intersect. You may not even acknowledge the values of the other person.
Co-dependant – a partner is totally reliant on another to fulfill roles, often to the neglect of important areas of their life in order to please the other person. There is no mutuality in this arrangement. Within the relationship there may be a lose of healthy boundaries and can include emotional, physical and psychological destructive habits of control, denial, the need to be needed, lack of self trust and difficulty with intimacy.
Co-operative – we are each others champion. What is important to you is important to me, though I may not be directly involved in whats important to you. You are companions and whilst you one person may not be fully devoted to the goal, their devotion is to the other individual/s. You show care, compassion and concern and offer assistance if I can provide what you need. I do not take away from you, but I add through my own skills and abilities. There is a freedom offer and ask for involvement, but it is not mandatory or imposed. There is freedom to say yes, and freedom to say, I can’t this time.
Collaborative- we are unified in working together towards a common goal, with common values and equal responsibility. There is a reciprocity between each other that strengthens the individual, actively participating in mutually important values and goals.
Knowing and understanding where you are in these states can assist your relationships to determine whether that state is helpful or unhelpful for you. You can assess what tasks may fall into which category and identify what goals you can set to move an aspect of your relating from one state to a different state.
Often when you feel stuck in a state, enlisting the support of a Counsellor can help you discover new possibilities and explore strategies for change towards healthier and mutually beneficial relationships.
Your Life Journey offers Counselling services for any form of relationship whether it is marriage, business partners, housemates, families, or friendships.